Have You Experienced the Depth Trap With a Fearful Avoidant?

CT KauppHey, what's up. Welcome back or welcome to the Securely You podcast. My name is CT, and I hope you understand why you love the way you do through the lens of attachment styles, wherever you consume your relationship or attachment style content out in the world. A common situation that is talked about is the anxious avoidant trap, which I have talked about and I'll continue to talk about because it is something that is very common and very destabilizing in and of itself. Today, though, I want to talk about something that I am naming the fearful avoidant depth trap.

CT KauppI don't know if that's a thing. I don't know if that, has been coined. If it is, I'll give credit to whoever came up with that. But why this is coming to the service is I don't believe I've had a lot of experience in the past with fearful avoidance. They've always been dismissive avoidance.

CT KauppAnd interestingly, the universe is like, Hey, CT, we're going to give you an experience with a fearful avoidant. And then a couple of weeks, wait a couple of weeks later, they do it again. A couple of weeks later, come in contact with another one. And it's been fascinating to have those experiences. And I want to speak to one, a very with, with a lot of clarity that I, that I had, recently, and then to, to explain this kind of trap, and then I will go into more of it more like the nitty gritty.

CT KauppSo I met somebody online and we talked for a couple of days. The first, night that we talked, we talked for, we messaged for like two and a half hours and a lot of depth, a lot of, you know, vulnerability, like desires, you know, we're like skipping the small talk and we're going to depth. That's not because either of us are love bombing or trying to make something out of it that isn't there. It's it's more, hey, I'm meeting you where you are. You're meeting me where I am, and we're just we're kinda creating that space together.

CT KauppThat doesn't be because of that. That doesn't mean that it's gonna, that we're getting married tomorrow or next week, next month. It doesn't the it doesn't, the speed of that connection doesn't mean that it has to be anything. I was excited for the opportunity to be able to, to like start on that foundation because I love growth and depth, vulnerability, emotional, like just the whole, the whole thing. Like that's just, that's naturally how I am wired.

CT KauppWhat I, what I have come to realize is with a fearful avoidant, we can connect because they have that same desire for growth and depth and vulnerability initially. And then it gets, it gets like too much in their system. It's too overwhelming. What I have understood now is that they, as much as I am consuming personal development, self development, growth, doing different things, individually or with others to, to grow in that way. They're also consuming content in that realm.

CT KauppSo we can meet each other in that space. And it feels really good. Like I said, we're both meeting each other where we are, but the problem comes in is that they don't have the capacity to hold that. So I'm here going, Hey, I'm loving this. Let's I can go depth, growth, vulnerability.

CT KauppI can talk about all this all day. We can talk to the cows, come home and I'm right here. And it doesn't, it's not gonna change 5PM, 5AM. Doesn't matter. I'm here.

CT KauppLet's do it. Let's get into it. That's just how I am wired. They feel that connection initially. And then it becomes, oh, wait, this is too much.

CT KauppI haven't actually done the work. I need to retreat and I need to go inward and I need to work on myself. I can't date. Like it's not, that is essentially how kind of the framing of it. I need to, like, I haven't done the work myself.

CT KauppI need to, I need to, I need to work on myself, appreciate the conversation, the connection, but I'm not in this place. I'm not in a place to date right now. And then it just, it ends what I would say to somebody. I'm gonna take it from both, both sides of the equation, but let's start with, if you are an FAA and you're listening to this, you feel what I just described. You feel yourself in that.

CT KauppWhat I would challenge you to do is when you're starting to feel that anxiety, that overwhelm, when it turns from, oh, this is great. We're meeting each other where we are to, oh, this is this is now too too much, too overwhelming. I, this is this is making me feel unsafe is to talk to somebody close to you, whether that is a friend, a family member, chat GBT, whatever, whatever to describe journal, describe how you're feeling, because I think what is happening is it doesn't mean that that that relationship has to go anywhere. But in my experience, what it feels like is the other person is running away before there's an opportunity to even explore the connection further. And it feels very preemptive.

CT KauppWe, we went zero to a 100 and we're back down to zero. It's, it's kind of blindsiding, in a way, or just like emotional whiplash in a way. Something about it just doesn't, doesn't feel it doesn't match up. It's like, wait, you're like, you're saying these things. We're, we're connecting in this way.

CT KauppWe're seeing things in, you know, mutually like, Hey, this is what I desire. This is what I'm looking for. We're connecting on, on a deeper level. And then all of a sudden it's just like, boom, they're, they're ending things. So I would just challenge you when those feelings come up that you do want to run that just sit with that.

CT KauppDon't you don't need to do anything. You don't have to like knee jerk it reaction and just go run for the hills, but just sit with it. And like I said, talk to somebody that you're close with journal to get out those, those feelings, let time kind of pace that it doesn't need to go from, we're just getting to know each other to intensity, to goodbye. There's a, there's a way that we can pace that, that connection so that it doesn't need to go into the direction that I just described. And then if you are on the other side and you were talking to somebody that you're connecting, it doesn't like, obviously we don't, we're not going to know.

CT KauppI feel like in this case, the person I was I'm talking about did, did say that they're fearful avoidant. And like we were talking about attachment styles. So I had that understanding, but if you don't necessarily do that or have those conversations and have that knowing of their style is when you are feeling that connection to to pace that yourself. So for me, I'm, I'm all in, I'm feeling that, I'm excited. I, I am lit up inside to be seen, heard, and valued in that way.

CT KauppAnd it's just like I've talked about in other podcasts. Like we're not talking about our favorite restaurants, our hobbies, our interests. Those are all great things to have in common. But to me, the connecting with somebody on that, that depth level, like that's, that's where the good stuff is. That's where in three months, three years when it's 3AM and you can turn over to that person and you can talk about how the world works.

CT KauppRight. And like, you can create that, that space together. Like that, that, that, that's what it's about. It's not like this superficial and materialistic, world that, that we live in. So I, I am learning myself to pace that interaction to, to allow them to show me that they can stay invested in the same way that I'm investing in them.

CT KauppSo instead of jumping the gun to let time again, like from the opposite side of where I was talking about time to, to be able to pace that if you're an FA the other way, if you're not let time pace that as well, try to hold back that enthusiasm, enthusiasm and excitement to see if you're matched. Because I think what I'm experiencing is this high of connection initially, And the other side cannot hold that. They don't have the capacity to hold that. That's a whole other, discussion. And I I'll talk about that in other episodes.

CT KauppThat is essentially in like an umbrella standpoint where it's coming from, where we can have all the compatibility in the world, but we don't necessarily one or both, partners may not have the capacity to hold that. So it's sort of like desire versus compatibility. We can have the desire, but or sorry, but desire versus capacity. We can have the desire for the relationship, but do we have the capacity to hold it? I feel like I went in like five different directions.

CT KauppTry to keep it concise. Hopefully that, makes sense. Give you some new, new perspectives. It has been mind blowing for me once I came out of that connection and I reflected and noticed the kind of intric- in, intricacies to this type of dynamic. And again, just quick summary that an FA is drawn to depth.

CT KauppThey want depth, they want growth, growth, they want vulnerability. So they're excited when they meet somebody that can match that. And then at a certain point that becomes too much. So it's the thing that is drawing them in then pulls them away or pushes them away. They retreat inward because they haven't actually done that personal development, that self development.

CT KauppThey've consumed the content, but they haven't actually taken the next step to implement that. All right. That's all I got for you today. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening.

CT KauppSee you next time. Take care.