Episode 0Oct 30, 2025· 7:18

Anxious Attachment - Attachment Styles 101

Q: Am I too needy or is my need for closeness actually valid?

CT doesn't resolve this — instead she names the wound directly: being told you're 'too much' or 'not enough' keeps cutting deeper, and she reframes the question by suggesting sensitivity might be an anchor rather than a flaw, without claiming to have settled it.

Q: Can you become anxiously attached as an adult even if you weren't as a kid?

CT shares from her own experience that yes, you can — she describes growing up securely attached from her caregivers but developing anxious attachment through past adult relationships.

▸ Show notes from the creator

You know that feeling when you sense someone pulling away and your mind starts to spiral? When you want to feel close but can’t shake the fear of losing it? In this episode, we explore the anxious attachment style, why it forms, and how it impacts the way you love. You’ll learn what’s really happening beneath the surface and how to create genuine safety without abandoning your sensitivity or depth. Send us Fan Mail Email CT: [email protected] Connect on social: @TheMindfulSPX Check out our website: TheMindfulSPX.com

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About this episode

CT Kaupp discusses anxious attachment style in a personal, first-person reflection — covering the core fear of love disappearing, hypervigilance to others' moods, reassurance-seeking, replaying interactions, and losing oneself in relationships. He distinguishes between attachment formed in childhood versus through adult relationships, shares a specific example of a partner offering unprompted reassurance, and…

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Who this episode is for

This episode may resonate with you if:

You keep replaying a text message or a conversation in your head, convinced something is wrong, even when there's no real evidence of it.

You've been told you're 'too much' or 'too needy' by someone you loved, and part of you believes them.

You pour everything into a relationship — your time, energy, attention — and only realize you've lost yourself once it's over.

Your partner needs space and even though you know it's healthy, it still feels like they're pulling away from you.

You can see your anxious patterns clearly — you know what you're doing — but you still can't seem to stop doing it inside the relationship.

You didn't grow up with an anxious attachment — your anxiety in relationships came from someone who hurt you as an adult.

Questions this episode wrestles with

Am I too needy or is my need for closeness actually valid?

open question

CT doesn't resolve this — instead he names the wound directly: being told you're 'too much' or 'not enough' keeps cutting deeper, and he reframes the question by suggesting sensitivity might be an anchor rather than a flaw, without claiming to have settled it.

"It's your anchor. So when you're grounded, it becomes empathy and intuition and depth that secure partners deeply value. I think that's like an interesting, dynamic and visual to think about is that those that are anxiously attached, we've been told our whole lives that we're too much, we're too needy or the opposite when somebody leaves, it's like something's wrong with us. We're not enough. There's all those like, self doubts or every time that happens, it's just like opening up that wound again and just like cutting it deeper and deeper instead of thinking about the sensitivity, like your heightened sensitivity as being a negative thing."

Can you become anxiously attached as an adult even if you weren't as a kid?

answered

CT shares from his own experience that yes, you can — he describes growing up securely attached from his caregivers but developing anxious attachment through past adult relationships.

"They learn to stay hyper tuned to others' moods and the changes on that. And so they're always scanning for that, that signal, that signal of disconnection. And I'll, I'll express that I grew up securely attached from my caregivers, but because of the past relationship experiences I had, then that turned anxious. So I just want to put that out there because there's just so much out there on attachment styles that all have to do with the caregiver aspect and the upbringing in that way. And that's totally fair and valid, but there is this piece of, you can be one way. And then because of your past relationships, it ends up morphing into something else. So some common traits for those that are anxiously attached, there's a deep empathy and emotional intuition, and they can feel shifts instantly. I'm going to be like hell yes to every single one of these. Right? They often replay interactions or overthink messages."

How do I know if what I feel is genuine love or just anxious attachment?

open question

CT names the confusion directly — equating intensity with connection is listed as a core anxious attachment trait he recognizes in himself — but he doesn't offer a way to tell them apart, only noting that 'emotional intensity is not emotional safety.'

"They seek reassurance, sometimes repeatedly. They give in care deeply, but they may lose themselves in the relationship and they equate intensity with connection. And yes, all of those I'm like, hell yes. I am working to be secure, to earn secure just as much as anyone else out there listening to this, working through it. We're all on the same journey when we get one life."

Setting expectations: This episode is not a clinical breakdown of attachment theory or a step-by-step guide to fixing anxious attachment. It's CT talking through her own anxious traits — replaying messages, losing herself in relationships, fearing a partner pulling away — from the inside, as someone still working through it.

Tensions inside this episode

Moments where CT Kaupp names something — and contradicts it inside the same episode. Both quotes are verbatim from the transcript.

Working toward security, not already there

CT frames himself as actively working toward earned security alongside listeners, but also describes giving advice and reframing anxious traits as strengths — slipping between peer and guide in the same breath.

Claim

"They seek reassurance, sometimes repeatedly. They give in care deeply, but they may lose themselves in the relationship and they equate intensity with connection. And yes, all of those I'm like, hell yes. I am working to be secure, to earn secure just as much as anyone else out there listening to this, working through it. We're all on the same journey when we get one life."

but

Contradiction

"So you want to learn how to self soothe, nervous system regulation and self validation. I will say all of these, sound great in theory, maybe hard to do in practice. I get it. I'm working through it just the same as you are. Next to recognize that emotional intensity is not emotional safety and that your sensitivity isn't the problem."

Tone & style

CT starts from the premise that anxious attachment traits — replaying interactions, seeking reassurance, losing yourself — feel like flaws or proof you're 'too much.' His own past relationships shifted him from secure to anxious, forcing him to examine these patterns from inside them. The turning point comes after stepping outside a relationship and finally seeing the over-investing pattern he couldn't see while in it. He ends unresolved but directional — reframing heightened sensitivity as an anchor rather than a defect, and positioning himself as still working toward earned security alongside listeners.

Personal lived experience and self-reflection from someone who identifies as anxiously attached. Not clinical guidance or therapeutic advice.

toneCandid & personally vulnerable

focusCT walks through anxious attachment by describing it from the inside — as someone who lives it, not just explains it.

stylesolo_monologue

energymedium_low

complexitybeginner

pressure Levellow

emotional Texturevulnerable, self-identifying, warm, honest

Notable quotes

"They learn to stay hyper tuned to others' moods and the changes on that. And so they're always scanning for that, that signal, that signal of disconnection. And I'll, I'll express that I grew up securely attached from my caregivers, but because of the past relationship experiences I had, then that turned anxious. So I just want to put that out there because there's just so much out there on attachment styles that all have to do with the caregiver aspect and the upbringing in that way. And that's totally fair and valid, but there is this piece of, you can be one way."

— CT Kaupp

"And I'll talk about that in other episodes, because I can feel that, something in particular I want to talk about. And I can feel that where I had the self awareness of it within the relationship, but I didn't have the clarity to actually change it. So it's just like a fascinating dynamic. If you are anxiously attached, here's how it may feel in relationships. Connection feels intoxicating, but fragile."

— CT Kaupp

"It's your anchor. So when you're grounded, it becomes empathy and intuition and depth that secure partners deeply value. I think that's like an interesting, dynamic and visual to think about is that those that are anxiously attached, we've been told our whole lives that we're too much, we're too needy or the opposite when somebody leaves, it's like something's wrong with us. We're not enough. There's all those like, self doubts or every time that happens, it's just like opening up that wound again and just like cutting it deeper and deeper instead of thinking about the sensitivity, like your heightened sensitivity as being a negative thing."

— CT Kaupp

"And then because of your past relationships, it ends up morphing into something else. So some common traits for those that are anxiously attached, there's a deep empathy and emotional intuition, and they can feel shifts instantly. I'm going to be like hell yes to every single one of these. Right? They often replay interactions or overthink messages."

— CT Kaupp

Episode transcript

6 chapters — tap to expand the full text

CT lists common anxiously attached traits — replaying interactions, seeking reassurance, losing yourself in relationships — and openly says 'hell yes' to all of them, framing himself as someone working toward earned security alongside listeners.