You Can't Chase and Create Connection

CT KauppWelcome back or welcome to, the Securely You podcast. My name is CT, and I hope you understand why you love the way you do. Today's episode has a very specific topic and angle. And all I have to say, just one sentence, do not chase, please do not chase another human being that you are interested in. Because what happens is in that dynamic is they're giving you space and you're trying to close that distance and you're, you're trying to keep creating that connection when, when they are showing you by their actions or inactions that they don't value that relationship or that connection to the same degree that you do, all you're doing is validating to them that you need them more than they need you.

CT KauppAnd if you extrapolate that out through the entirety of a relationship, like that dynamic is never going to lead to a successful, sustainable, fulfilling relationship. There's going to, there's going to be an imbalance there. There, there could be like codependency codependency, but I'm not going to like go down that rabbit hole. It's just truly if one person is more interested than the other, think of like a teeter totter, like one's higher up and one's lower. It's never gonna be in balance.

CT KauppThat's just gonna be extremely difficult to, or impossible to be able to create. If both people aren't mutually coming into that connection with that, with the same intention. I understand that we're living in a world, in a society, in a, in a dating dynamic where everybody has endless choices. I mean, it's like from a online dating perspective, there's this whole idea. If you don't get, get them off the app in X amount of messages, then they're just gonna start talking to the next person.

CT KauppI think a lot of us can get caught up in the, the intensity or the, the initial feelings or the, the type of connection that you're experiencing with another person. And that can, that can feel intoxicating. But at the end of the day, that that connection can never grow. If two people aren't coming at it from a very similar mindset or similar intention or similar, I had a word and I just lost it. It'll come back to me.

CT KauppA similar expectations, I think was what I was looking for there. So, so like you can't, you can't create, you cannot co create anything without, a container where both people are playing the same game. Okay. We're going to try that again. I had to stop mid recording messing up with the video.

CT KauppAnd so, and I was totally in flow and so kind of just jacked everything up. But we're gonna, we're gonna, I'm gonna kind of start from a new, a new spot. So most people, I don't think actually know that they are chasing because it can look calm or mature or that I'm just trying to, you know, continue the connection, but not in like a needy desperate way, but chasing is really any time that you are moving toward someone or you could say something, but someone, in this case and from a relationship context, anytime you're moving towards someone that is not moving or orientating to you in the same way. Now you could say, well, CT, I pace this way and you pace that that way, or this person is, just like more comfortable and open to like a, a quicker connection. That's fair.

CT KauppBut we still have to think back that the purpose of creating cat connection is that both people are coming together to create something really cool. So regardless of the pace or the speed at which something is being created, you still need that mutuality. You still need each other meeting each other where you need to be met. You can't really create something together if that's not the case. So if somebody paces slower, then it may just be an incompatibility with the way that you're wired, or maybe you, you pay slow as well.

CT KauppSo then that works. Are you both, open to a, a quicker speed? But let's think let's, let's back up though and think about, chasing just like aspects of it or by what this can look like in real life. So, you know, it's, you're initiating every text you're initiating every hangout, You are creating the container for that connection. You are the emotional engine for that connection, and they could be in a myriad of ways.

CT KauppBut the point is that you're investing more energy than they are in the connection. They may be cool receiving that. They may that may feel good to them, but I can guarantee you that you will become resentful of that over time because you're holding the entire emotional weight of that connection. And then as things progress, you may be the one that is trying to initiate, Hey, like, where, where is this going? How are you feeling?

CT KauppYou know, like the deeper relationship type, like questions that would, would come from that. And that again, just puts you in that. I would say driver's seat, but that's not the right, no, that's not the right phrase there. But it's just like, or I guess, we can use that analogy. Like you're in, you're in the driver's seat and they're in the back seat.

CT KauppWell, how are you going to create a relationship when you're that distant? Right. You're that far apart. Like here's some real world examples, you know, say that you, you know, you're texting or, or I shouldn't say this isn't just texting. It could be any you're, you're communicating text, phone, video, whatever you're providing more depth than they are.

CT KauppLike, it's kind of like, think of chasing as like pulling, like you're trying to pull something out of them. So you may share something really deep and vulnerable and they come back with a very short, answer or just like no emotional, you know, like ability to receive that. It's kind of like, not necessarily that it would be cold, but just kind of a neutral, neutral response. Or just think about in the, like getting know each other for stage, you know, and you're trying to plan dates. You're always the one that is initiating that or that say the connection goes dormant.

CT KauppLike you're just, there's a couple of days of silence or whatever. You're the one that's reaching out to try to close that gap. That may not necessarily feel or read to you as, oh, I'm chasing in the desperate, needy sense, but it is essentially the same thing because you're trying to carry that connection through or reengage that connection. And what I'm trying to express here is that we want, we want it to be mutual. We want both people to be expressing that desire.

CT KauppAnd so if you're caught in that dynamic where if you're the one that's always carrying that thread, you're hindering your ability to see if they can meet you there. And it's not a test, It's not manipulative. It's really just to see, are they invested in you the same way? Here's another real world example. Say you have this great connection.

CT KauppYou feel great chemistry. You can see that potential. So in your mind, you're like, Hey, I'm just going to stay steady. I'm just going to stay consistent. I'm just going to, you can just be myself.

CT KauppBut even that waiting, just you, you waiting for that. Sort of like you're, you're banking on the potential of what this could be without seeing if they can actually meet you there. The longer that that goes, the more resent meant that you're, you're going to carry, or that's going to build up inside of you because, because they're not meeting you there. You can see it. You can see it so clearly, so vividly, but they don't have the desire, the intentionality, the interest, the capacity, however you wanna say that for whatever the reason is, and the reason doesn't even matter, but the point is that they can't meet you where you need to be met.

CT KauppAnd I'll give you the, the last real world example I'll give you is when I got out of a situation that felt very solo line and felt like sunshine and rainbows and unicorns, and all of a sudden it just went haywire. I had sent a couple texts. Those were not a reply to, and I literally never texted them again. And I'll tell you exactly why, because the, the only response from them that would have satisfied me and felt fulfilling to me was if they desired to, essentially, apologize for what transpired, Like, take accountability for their part to that. I'm not saying that it was, all on them.

CT KauppIt was definitely we both could have done things differently. So it's not I'm not putting the blame on them, but I'm saying, come back and show me that that you, you know, you apologize and you're holding yourself accountable for how that ended aside from that secondary to that would be that you want to reconnect or rekindle or talk through those issues to then be able to try to recreate something together. Anything outside of that would actually make me feel worse. So then to me, there was no reason to reach out. There was no reason for me to try to rekindle or recreate anything because I need you to meet me in that space together.

CT KauppAnd so if I was to reach out and it just is like very casual, very, you know, non committal, she, she was definitely avoidance. So I'm assuming that it would have been met with kind of some, neutrality and, wouldn't wouldn't really have been met the way that I, desired. Like I said, that just would not have felt, good, good in my soul, fulfilling, rewarding, or, or anything. It would just have made me feel worse to even have initiated anything. So I just wanted to share that because I think a lot of times we can, oh, if I just said this or if I just did this, they would come back or, you know, I can fix it because of ABC or XYZ.

CT KauppOr if I say this to do this, and it's just at the end of the day, they have to be willing to put in the work to also repair. I think that's, that's a whole lot, a whole nother episode, but that is something that I do wanna talk about more is just, the, the repair aspect, because in reality, the way that we, as the way that two people repair, actually, to me shows more on the sustainability of a relationship than just the good times, the nice times, the warm times, the fun times, the sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. None of that matters if we can't actually repair together in a healthy adult way. All right. I feel like I just talked, for about twenty minutes.

CT KauppI have no idea what I just said, but I hope that that was helpful, useful, insightful wherever you get your podcast. I'd love for you could leave a five star review. It helps to expand the reach of the podcast and get more eyeballs, more people, drawn in can help to, expand the viewership. I appreciate you being here. Thank you for listening.

CT KauppHave a great rest of your day and take care.