When Avoidants Replace Flow With Control

CT KauppWelcome back or welcome to the Securely You podcast. My name is CT, and I hope you understand why you love the way you do. Today, I wanna talk about a common trait that I am seeing in my experience with avoidance. I believe this is more so something that a dismissive avoidant would do upfront versus a fearful avoidant. But it, there probably is some kind of mix between it.

CT KauppIn my experience, it's been more from the DA for those that are new to attachment styles, dismissive avoidance are usually people that have grown up in a household with caregivers where emotions were suppressed. Like we don't talk about that here, or, you know, grow up or, you know, go, go to your room and, you know, figure it out and then come back. Like just not, they didn't grow up in a place where emotions or vulnerability were shown. So then they internalize that as well. Then I'm just not going to show that how that ends up then manifesting in a relationship down the road is that they haven't worked that muscle.

CT KauppI talk about a lot that it's like going to the gym. If you go to the gym every day for five years, you're going to be very comfortable in that environment. If you have never gone to the gym, you're probably going to be intimidated or scared or unsure. I have no idea what you're doing. That's perfectly okay.

CT KauppBut it stems from you don't have the experience. So just a way to, to kind of show that gap. It's not that they don't want to express emotions or vulnerability or they can't, They may actually deeply want to. They just haven't worked on it. What in my experience, what ends up happening is once that closeness in a relationship, w w like what once you express the closeness or your feelings or emotions, vulnerability or any of that, or it starts coming up in them where they they, like, they start having feelings for you.

CT KauppLike, they are attaching to you however you wanna express that. When that's coming up, then they they don't know how to organize that, you know, in themselves. And so then they run away. Okay. That's a long explanation, but I just wanted to share that if you're newer to attachment styles.

CT KauppSo in my experience, this certain dynamic that I want to talk about is in my experience. I'm, I'm very upfront and very open to express what I'm feeling or what I'm looking for. All those things that that just comes very natural, naturally to me. Like that's why I do this work. Cause it just literally flows out of me.

CT KauppI don't have to think about it and it just goes. And so in a relationship setting or a dating setting, that's very second nature for me to do. I don't think about it. It just flows. What I have experienced is connecting with others that value certain things.

CT KauppSo let's say a growth mindset or teamwork or building something together. There's kind of this benchmark. I would say that, Hey, this is the kind of a future set. Hey, this is what I am looking to create. This is, this is what I desire in a relationship that ends up coming back to me and it's, it's received in, in it's reciprocated in theory, but not technically embodied or lived through.

CT KauppAnd I'll give, I'll give you a couple different examples. So somebody that says they're really into a growth mindset, they, you know, they want to learn, they want to grow. That's something that we both value very much. That's something that it's a never ending process. That's all great.

CT KauppThen we start dating and I find they're actually very opinionated. It's more my way or the highway. It's more, this is how it is. And it could be it doesn't have to be some crazy grand thing. It can just be very random, you know, very, you know, like like, I think it's better, like, the it would be better to take this route to go to the store or whatever.

CT KauppRight? And like, but they know better than you. As I've experienced this over time, it's kind of a pattern that I've seen is I think what is happening is they are externalizing things. They're, they're, they're controlling obviously, but like it's like in an external way so that they don't have to feel things internally. It's their way to create that distance because by default dismissive avoidance or DAs are longing for autonomy and independence, as much as that does not go together with the type of relationship that I desire.

CT KauppThat is what I have found myself in a lot. I can now I'm be able to pick up some of these little tendencies that they, that they will do that in the grand scheme of things may not seem like a big deal, but it's a, sort of a tell to me of their wiring. In particular, this one just about being opinionated has really kind of come to the surface for me. It's come to the forefront. So like I was saying, the growth minded one.

CT KauppYeah. I want to learn. I want to grow. It's amazing, blah, blah, blah. And then very opinionated, or we can take it from a different standpoint where another situation I had where it was that, where they expressed a really deep desire for teamwork.

CT KauppThat's very important to me. I want to co create that relationship together. I don't care what Mary, mommy, Susie, Jerry, John, I don't care what anybody else thinks or says or believes that our relationship should be because we're two individuals that can co create that together and we can create the most amazing, fulfilling, epic relationship because we understand ourselves. We understand what's important to us and we're ready to experience and create that with another human being. It's not, this is my 62 checklist, and you have to fit into this to make it work.

CT KauppI'll give you a very concrete example. I have a great first date with this person. We're, everything is vibing. We literally wore the same color sweatshirt till the first date that was not planned. There was just some cool synchronicities in that way.

CT KauppDoesn't mean we're getting married tomorrow. Just cool to experience. So we, I expressed to her that I don't think where I cur where I'm currently living is my forever place. Like I'm just open. It doesn't mean that I have to move here or move there necessarily.

CT KauppI don't know if I'm gonna be here for five months or five years or fifteen years. I just think this is not like I'm not necessarily planting roots. I'm gonna be here for the rest of my life, but I'm very open to however that evolves. Literally, like if I met somebody and they wanted to move to Costa Rica next year, I would be open to doing that. That's I'm just kind of aware that way.

CT KauppVery nomadic in that way. So, so I expressed that I had to receive there's something like, as far as I'm aware, something like crazy negative about that. We're, we're just kind of just, talking about different places that we like to, to travel to or live or all that, all those things. What came out later was they told me the next day that they don't think they could ever relocate, to a city that I, I was talking about in that first date. And I said, Hey, like, that's totally cool.

CT KauppThat that's, I, I, I don't know if I'm gonna move there. I just, I feel called to that city, but that calling doesn't necessarily have to be because I am supposed to move there. It could just literally be because I'm supposed to go there twice a year or I'm supposed to do retreats there or however that that evolves. But again, like we're, co creating that. That's why I've talked about co creation thousands of times on this podcast and in other ways that that word is so important to me because literally we are doing this thing together.

CT KauppI don't know where I'm going to be in four months, four years from now, but we don't need to figure that out now. Like we don't need to have it all figured out. It's okay. I desire having someone to go on that journey with. We're going to go fly to, I'm just picking a random place out of thin air, Fayetteville, Arkansas.

CT KauppAnd for whatever reason, we really liked the energy there and the people, for some reason, it just feels right. That wouldn't be done because we read some top five lists on the internet or because their mommy likes that place. It doesn't like we're experiencing that together in real time. We're feeling pulled there because of X, Y, and Z. And, Hey, let's do that.

CT KauppWhat I received back was, well, my family lives here, so I like that place. And I like traveling over there. So that I would maybe move there. And and this other place I like too. I was like, well, in my hand, boom, wait a second.

CT KauppWait a second. We you talk about how much teamwork matters to you. I talk to you about how much co creating that matters to me. And that wasn't received at all because you end you're ending up just, like, making those rules already, like those guidelines, like, Hey, I don't think I can move to X. Cool.

CT KauppNope. No problem. But, but really there's no co creation because I see myself moving to X, Y, and Z. Now for somebody listening to this that has no desire to ever move, and they're gonna stay exactly where they are. They're gonna date exactly where they are.

CT KauppThis may not resonate with you. I understand that ignore the travel component, ignore any of that. The, the point is that as this person that is avoidant is making, I'm gonna not these claims. I'm gonna say like a stance, kind of taking a stance. It's not coming from a place of, of compromise of co creation of working together of teamwork.

CT KauppIt's coming from, I know better, or I want to do it this way. That is the complete opposite of what I desire. If we peel back the layers to the onion, I think what is happening is they do that because it's a control mechanism. They do that because they don't want the emotional intimacy. Let's call it like it's a way to distance themselves.

CT KauppIt's a way to protect themselves. It would be like if somebody is like, Hey, really liked, really liked meeting you, but, we can only, I can only see you once every two weeks. There's no co creation there. There you're you're you're creating these guidelines and these rules for something that I desire to be very, very much free flowing. And that's not like that doesn't mean that we need to see each other every day.

CT KauppThat doesn't mean we need to spend, you know, every waking moment together. I don't mean any of that. There just is a balance to that. It doesn't need to be, we can only do it this way, or we can only do it that way. There should be some kind of meeting of the minds meeting together to create whatever that looks like.