Dismissive Avoidant - Attachment Styles 101

CT KauppHey, what's up? Thank you for being here. Welcome back to Securely U. Today I want to talk about the dismissive avoidant attachment style. With this style, it is a hyper independence.

CT KauppI'm fine on my own. I don't need anybody. I always have relied on myself. I'll figure it out. I'll do it.

CT KauppI can't trust anybody. Depending on other people makes me weak. And a lot of times this style has developed because growing up, vulnerability was discouraged for them or emotional needs were minimized or both. In the way that I see that, the way that I visualize that as having caregivers that were dismissive and kind of like how I I think we're in a day and age now where we, I don't wanna speak for everybody, but in a, from a society or societal standpoint, there's just openness around being emotional, vulnerable, especially from the masculine side of things. Whereas in years past, decades past, that was not the case.

CT KauppAnd so that's just what I what I think about. And, I mean, it's called dismissive for a reason, but like that that's what I'm thinking about is like the caregiver that would just like dismiss those feelings, would dismiss, any kind of, yeah, thoughts, feelings, emotions, anything like that. And so then they, you know, whether directly or indirectly indirectly, then that person is feeling like, I don't I don't I guess I don't need that then. Like, and so like that, I guess kind of like a muscle, like think about it, like that's just like not developed because they weren't utilizing that as they were growing up. So some common traits for dismissive avoidance: highly self sufficient and independent, often intellectualize or rationalize feelings rather than feel them.

CT KauppThey value logic and control as safety mechanisms, withdraw or shut down when emotions run high and they feel smothered or trapped by others' needs. The anxious avoidant trap, which I'll talk about in a, in a future episode, you can just already see how that push and pull, because the anxious person is wanting closeness, they're wanting connection while the dismissive avoidant is going, hey, I gotta get the heck out of here. I'm feeling smothered, trapped. This this feels too much, feels too overwhelming to me. The anxious person wants closeness.

CT KauppThe avoidant wants distance. The trap that you fall into just like that cycle, that wheel, it's really hard to get out of. So just something that I thought of as, as I was going through this. And one other thing I would mention to you is this is very interesting and insightful for myself as I reflected is that I am highly attracted to those that are independent. And as I look back at past relationships, it ends up turning the independence that I value is not the traits of a dismissive avoidant independent independence, if that makes sense.

CT KauppSo to me, independence looks like, Hey, we can do our own thing. We can create our own schedules. We can create that lifestyle that is, that is fulfilling and rewarding to us. And we can do that in the container of this relationship. And it does not matter what others say or do or think or feel because we're creating this really cool.

CT KauppWe're we're, we're co creating this relationship in a really cool, unique way that that fulfills us. And like, it just doesn't matter. It's like, think about like sports teams or athletes where, you know, ignore the noise as a phrase. Right? Hey.

CT KauppWe're gonna do our thing. We're gonna be the best that we can be, and we're going to we're not gonna worry about what everybody else is doing, what that team is doing or what whatever whatever, what that coach is doing over there. We're just gonna do the best that we can. I just, there's a similarity in that where I just, desire that, that kind of independence. However, the independence that shows up for me inside of a relationship is similar to what I described here, where it's like F the world.

CT KauppI don't need anybody because I'm so independent. That's something that I couldn't articulate to you months ago. It's just something more recent that I have discovered about myself. And I find that fascinating as I, as I reflect and look back on past relationships. Okay.

CT KauppSo how it feels inside of relationships for someone that is a dismissive avoidant, they want connection, but they fear losing autonomy. Again, it speaks to that push pull because they want the closeness. They crave that. They want the connection, but then it gets to a certain point where it's like, oh, no, it's too much. Can't do it.

CT KauppGot it our own way. See you later. I'm feeling overwhelmed. It's just, it's a, it's a very interesting, dynamic in that way. It's like the thing that, the thing that is attracting them in, that is pulling them in, that closeness, and the safety that they feel with that initially then is the thing that pushes them away because they feel they're gonna lose themselves and lose that autonomy and that independence.

CT KauppThey may unconsciously create distance when things start to feel emotionally close, and it's not because they don't care, it's because the closeness triggers the fear of being overwhelmed, smothered. I don't know whatever other word you want to say, or even just judged by, by that closeness. There's something else that came to me and now I yeah. Okay. I got it.

CT KauppThe other part of this is when you were on the other side of that and a dismissive avoidant is creating distance with you, or let's just say breaks up with you, You're internalizing that as something is wrong with you. Right. If, if you're say you're anxious, you're like, Hey, what did I do? What could I say the better you're analyzing everything, you know, you're going down 52 different rabbit holes, all these things. When I, I, and even like this thought of, well, if, if you didn't feel that way, like, why did, why did you say that?

CT KauppOr like, did, when they said this, did they really mean it? Like, you're just questioning everything. And the crazy part about it is when this is happening, you you're feeling like, Hey, they pull, they're pulling away or they're leaving me because they don't want me because I'm not enough. But in reality, they're doing this because they actually care so much. And it's like, it's hard to wrap your head around, but that that's essentially what's going on.

CT KauppIt's like their nervous system cannot, process or like stay regulated in, in balance to be able to like to accept that, that kind of connection because they haven't, growing up or past relationships, they haven't been able to associate the kind of connection or love that you're giving them with safety, because, because it's just not how they they've been wired. That's just something, to be aware of. And some areas for growth for somebody that is a dismissive avoidant. And again, I'll just say caveat. This is it's going to sound simple, right?

CT KauppIt's going to sound easy, but it's just so much harder in practice than in theory, but okay. So for, some areas for growth for them to realize that needing others isn't a weakness, practicing small and safe acts of vulnerability, just to build up the muscle, just kind of like you're in the gym, you're stacking reps, you're gaining, strength. It would be the same, the same kind of way in that. You don't need to go from zero to a 100 pushups tomorrow, but just being able to have a couple of people in your circle that you can be a little bit more vulnerable with, you will then start to see like, Hey, they're not gonna run away. They're not gonna minimize that.

CT KauppThey're gonna accept me for me and that can really help. And this kind of correlates to that one. It's just letting people that you trust see you without, without the armor that goes back to the independence where it's sort of like, I am so self sufficient, I'm so independent. I don't need anybody else. So I'm just going to be in this cocoon, just like, or just like you have this armor on, you're in this bubble wrap and like, I can't let people inside, you know, I can't let people get too close to me.

CT KauppI, I don't want to be hurt. And so over time, you'll understand that emotional openness will become a strength and it won't be a threat. So all those things are ways to earn secure attachment and work to that. Okay, that's all I got for you today. Thanks for being here.

CT KauppI'll see you next time.