Have You Experienced Flaw-Finding?

CT KauppHey, what's up. Welcome back or welcome to, the Securely U, podcast. I think today's episode will be relatively short. It's something that's, came across in reflection of a past relationship as I have reflected more on it. I can see it in plain day.

CT KauppAnd it's kind of fascinating to me how often this has shown up in past relationships. What I'm talking about is something called flaw finding. I first heard about it from Tyus Gibson. She's a podcast on attachment styles and relationships, and she brought up this concept and it really resonated with me. So think back if you've been in a situation where you have felt really interested, like really engaged with that other person, that partner.

CT KauppAnd then all of a sudden you feel that pulling back. It gets kind of that push pull in particular in this dynamic in flaw finding it is more, I'm gonna unconsciously find all these little flaws in you or what you're doing to create emotional distance. So it's sort of like, I am liking this connection and I'm liking where this is going, but it's also scaring me or my nervous system doesn't like it. So I'm going to find these imperfections in you so that we can create that distance. So then it doesn't feel like we're that close so that when this ends quote unquote, then I'm not as hurt because I've already created that distance.

CT KauppSo it's really like a self protection mechanism. Oftentimes this is going to come from the avoidant, somebody that has an avoidant style. In particular is going to feel most hurtful to someone that's anxious. So as myself being anxious in the past and working to secure, I can vividly remember these times in past relationships where the partner was flaw finding. And it was just the most random, ridiculous at the time.

CT KauppI'm just kinda like, doesn't, don't really make anything of it. And then after the fact realizing, you know, that was really like, there was no reason to be upset about that or picking, like picking me apart about this or that. And I mean, it could just be as simple as, you know, you don't put away the dishes the right way, or, you know, why are you putting away the dishes like this instead of like that? The toilet paper example that I give all the time, like whether it's up or down, that doesn't matter to me. But in, in this kind of a circumstance, they may find a reason that it should be this way or that way.

CT KauppI could go on for hours just thinking of the most random, ridiculous things that like on the surface doesn't feel like a big deal. Doesn't feel like it should really matter in the scheme of things. But again, it's their way of creating that emotional distance. From their side, closeness is triggering discomfort with the closeness that they are feeling with you. Not that there's anything wrong with that closeness.

CT KauppIt's just like their body, their nervous system, their whole being is feeling discomfort from being vulnerable in that, you know, in that way together. So they want space. They wanna, they wanna distance. I feel like I've said distance like 25 times in this episode already. And then their mind is looking for justification.

CT KauppThey, that, like, that's why they're flaw finding because they're looking for justifications as to why you're not the right partner for them. Why this relationship isn't going to work? Why this, why that they're trying to rationalize and justify all those different things so that when they pull away from you, then it's okay. It's justified. And they don't feel the pain necessarily.

CT KauppThey're looking at it as if I can convince myself that something is off, that something is wrong with you, or multiple things are wrong with you. If I can justify that, then I don't have to sit with the vulnerability, the discomfort, of that closeness. This can happen with either. I mean, this could really happen in any type of relationship, like any style. It doesn't necessarily have to be this or that.

CT KauppBut I would say that it tends to happen most with avoidance and most avoidant to anxious, partners. And like I was saying, I've experienced this more times than I can count. It's very confusing or just creating like self doubt. And also I would say this, I think this happened in a last, one of my recent relationships where I subconsciously was feeling this, but I didn't like consciously, I wasn't like consciously aware of it. And why I say that is I feel like I can remember where I was pulling back.

CT KauppSo I would share things that then wouldn't get the response or the playfulness or the laughter or whatever the response is that I'm looking for. And then I would pull back, and, like, and, like, withhold those parts, which isn't good because, like, you're those are, like, my default states. Right? Or, like, just, like, my natural way of being, like, why am I minimizing myself to be with this person or to stay in this relationship? Obviously, not good, not healthy.

CT KauppThere, you know, there's nothing positive about doing that. And I do say I've over time, I did realize how, like, there was like a resentment, resentment within myself. And I don't wanna, I want you to receive me as me. I don't wanna like, not that, I'm putting on a face or, or like a fakeness or wearing a mask or any of that. It was just, where I wasn't like being my authentic self because I was, I guess, measuring, my interactions or what I was saying or how it was, how I was saying it because of the past times where I felt like whatever I was saying was then being turned as a negative.

CT KauppWhen in reality, the things were just like the most again, random, ridiculous, not, like meaningful in the sense of a relationship. Like it doesn't matter whether the blanket is over here or the blanket is over there, the pill is over here, the pill is over there, that kind of stuff. And I but but, like, in the in the moment, it's very hard to see. But when you take a step back, then I could see all these little, I guess, paper cuts over time, over time, over time that then was like, wow, they were just distancing. They were just creating this distance for the last X amount of days, weeks, months where I'm thinking, Hey, we're, you know, we're growing closer.

CT KauppWe're creating a partnership. We're doing these things together. It's just kind of like destabilizing to that you come to that realization. I want to say too, that it's not, this isn't like boundary setting this isn't, you know, like standards. This isn't, it's like it's way, I would say like surface level things.

CT KauppIt's not like they're not putting down. I mean, they may, but like the aspect of fluffling or finding or the, the idea of this is not around, like, those more heavier topics. It's more just like the surface level lighter things that most of us would feel like have no bearing on the successful, nature of the relationship, the, the sustainability of the relationship. But it's the other person. They're trying to rationalize, like I was saying before, trying to rationalize the, the uncomfortableness that they feel.

CT KauppWhether you've experienced this on either side of the equation, just know you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Self awareness is the first step to be able to change. I like to say you need the self awareness to then have the clarity to then be able to change self awareness, clarity to change. Hopefully that was helpful today.

CT KauppThank you for being here. Thank you for listening, watching wherever you may be. Until next time. Take care.