Episode 0Nov 26, 2025· 4:53

A 5-minute Reflection For YOU

Q: Was I the only one really trying in that relationship?

CT shares that she believed the relationship was mutual while she was in it — only discovering in hindsight that she was carrying most of the weight — without landing on how to tell the difference in the moment.

Q: Am I too needy or do I just need to feel secure?

CT reflects from her own experience that what reads as neediness or clinginess from the outside is often just a person feeling safe when they feel connected — those aren't the same thing.

▸ Show notes from the creator

As you may be traveling to your Thanksgiving destination, let's switch it up here. While recording a recent episode, I ended with reflection questions that landed deeper than I expected, so I turned it into a standalone episode. You can use these questions as a quick reset to reconnect with yourself, to get clear about where you’re at, and how you want to show up moving forward. Send us Fan Mail Email CT: [email protected] Connect on social: @TheMindfulSPX Check out our website: TheMindfulSPX.com

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About this episode

Short solo reflection episode on relationship patterns, attachment styles, and self-awareness in dating. CT Kaupp explores three questions from his own experience: whether past relationships were truly mutual or one-sided with unequal emotional labor; whether craving relationship intensity is a sign of anxious or avoidant attachment mistaking a secure, steady partner for boring or lacking spark; and whether the urge…

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Who this episode is for

This episode may resonate with you if:

You've just gotten out of a relationship that felt mutual while you were in it, but looking back you're not sure you weren't carrying most of it alone.

You're in a new relationship that feels calm and steady, and you keep wondering if the absence of drama means you're not actually that into them.

You've mostly dated avoidant people and the push-pull felt like chemistry — now you're trying to figure out if what you called 'spark' was actually just anxiety.

You catch yourself trying to steer or speed up a new relationship and you're not sure if that's just who you are or something worth examining.

You've been told you're too needy or too much in relationships, and you're sitting with whether that's actually true or just what happens when you don't feel safe.

Questions this episode wrestles with

Was I the only one really trying in that relationship?

open question

CT shares that he believed the relationship was mutual while he was in it — only discovering in hindsight that he was carrying most of the weight — without landing on how to tell the difference in the moment.

"What I would tell you from past relationships, I felt that it was co created. I felt that we were building this together. I thought we were at it at the same speed. I thought that we were aligned in that. But what I discovered in reflection was it did actually feel one-sided, or it was one-sided, like I was giving more than I was receiving, or I was feeling like I was giving more than I was receiving, and then I'm trying to hold up the emotional weight of the entire relationship, which obviously just is not sustainable in any way, shape, or form."

Am I confusing emotional chaos with chemistry?

open question

CT wrestles with this openly — describing how anxious attachers crave the highs and lows they're used to, and how a secure, steady partner can feel like a missing spark — but he doesn't resolve whether that feeling is a signal or a pattern to question.

"If somebody is anxious and they have only dated people that are avoidant or the most of their partners have been avoidant, there's, they're going to feel that high and low. They're going to feel that initial intensity and excitement. So like they're going to want that they're going to crave that or potentially could feel that if they don't have that, then something is missing. Or on the flip side, say somebody is avoidant and there was somebody that's secure that may feel boring to them because it is so because they are so steady because they're not, they're not giving that yin yang of conflict or the highs and lows. It just is a fine line."

Is it normal to feel like something is missing when a relationship is actually just calm?

open question

CT describes this as a real tension — someone avoidant paired with a secure partner might experience steadiness as boring because they associate relationships with chaotic energy — but he sits with the question rather than resolving it.

"If somebody is anxious and they have only dated people that are avoidant or the most of their partners have been avoidant, there's, they're going to feel that high and low. They're going to feel that initial intensity and excitement. So like they're going to want that they're going to crave that or potentially could feel that if they don't have that, then something is missing. Or on the flip side, say somebody is avoidant and there was somebody that's secure that may feel boring to them because it is so because they are so steady because they're not, they're not giving that yin yang of conflict or the highs and lows. It just is a fine line. I mean, I'm sorry, like a straight line. And they they're like, oh, like I always associate relationships with this, you know, kind of chaotic energy. So this feels good, but then it's like, wait, like, am I not, am I not feeling the spark? Another question to reflect on is, am I trying to control the pace or am I allowing it to unfold naturally? This, this one's pretty big to me, especially coming at it from somebody that's been anxious in the past is really trying to be cognizant of that and not trying to hold on too tight, letting, giving the relationship time to breathe, not feeling like you have to control every part of it."

Am I too needy or do I just need to feel secure?

answered

CT reflects from his own experience that what reads as neediness or clinginess from the outside is often just a person feeling safe when they feel connected — those aren't the same thing.

"And what I mean by that is this idea of sometimes, sometimes people with anxious attachment style will feel like they're too needy or too clingy, or that's how it will feel to the other person. When in reality, like they just feel safe when they feel connected. And this idea of, I don't need constant communication. I don't need you to text me twenty four seven, three sixty five, or we send voice notes 247, 365 or whatever, any of that, we don't need constant communication. I just need to know that we're on the same page."

Is wanting to know we're on the same page the same as controlling the relationship?

answered

CT draws a distinction: needing to know you share the same goal and vision is different from controlling every detail — the specifics of how often you text or call can be co-created together, and none of that actually matters as long as you're aligned.

"And what I mean by that is this idea of sometimes, sometimes people with anxious attachment style will feel like they're too needy or too clingy, or that's how it will feel to the other person. When in reality, like they just feel safe when they feel connected. And this idea of, I don't need constant communication. I don't need you to text me twenty four seven, three sixty five, or we send voice notes 247, 365 or whatever, any of that, we don't need constant communication. I just need to know that we're on the same page. We have the same goal and the same vision, and we're working towards that. Whether that means we text this amount, or we talk on the phone this amount, or we see each other this, like, this amount, none of that actually matters because we can co create that together. We can figure out that rhythm together. I need to do another episode on that. I really, I really liked that idea of just creating that rhythm together."

Setting expectations: This episode is not a guide to attachment theory or a breakdown of anxious vs. avoidant styles with definitions and frameworks. It's CT thinking out loud about her own past relationships — asking herself whether she was actually carrying the emotional weight alone, whether she mistakes calm for boredom, and whether she tries to control the pace instead of letting things breathe.

Tone & style

CT starts from the assumption that his past relationships felt co-created and mutual in the moment, then admits reflection revealed he was carrying more of the emotional weight. He moves into questioning whether craving intensity is a product of anxious/avoidant attachment patterns rather than real connection, and lands — open-endedly — on the idea of co-creating a rhythm together, flagging it as something he wants to explore further.

Personal reflection and lived experience from CT's own past relationships. He generalizes cautiously and speculatively, not as a practitioner or researcher.

toneCandid & reflective

focusCT throws out three questions from his own relationship reflection — was it actually mutual, do I crave intensity because calm feels boring, and am I trying to control the pace — without answering them definitively.

stylepersonal_confession

energymedium_low

complexityintermediate

pressure Levellow

emotional Texturevulnerable, exploratory, self-aware

Notable quotes

"What I would tell you from past relationships, I felt that it was co created. I felt that we were building this together. I thought we were at it at the same speed. I thought that we were aligned in that. But what I discovered in reflection was it did actually feel one-sided, or it was one-sided, like I was giving more than I was receiving, or I was feeling like I was giving more than I was receiving, and then I'm trying to hold up the emotional weight of the entire relationship, which obviously just is not sustainable in any way, shape, or form."

— CT Kaupp

"Here's another one. This is a really interesting question. Do I crave intensity because it feels alive or do I associate calm with boredom? Am I feeling alive because of like the intensity of it or am I feeling bored because it just is like calm? I'm kind of like thinking, like throwing my, throwing my shoulders up in the air, like, oh, whatever."

— CT Kaupp

"If somebody is anxious and they have only dated people that are avoidant or the most of their partners have been avoidant, there's, they're going to feel that high and low. They're going to feel that initial intensity and excitement. So like they're going to want that they're going to crave that or potentially could feel that if they don't have that, then something is missing. Or on the flip side, say somebody is avoidant and there was somebody that's secure that may feel boring to them because it is so because they are so steady because they're not, they're not giving that yin yang of conflict or the highs and lows. It just is a fine line."

— CT Kaupp

"And what I mean by that is this idea of sometimes, sometimes people with anxious attachment style will feel like they're too needy or too clingy, or that's how it will feel to the other person. When in reality, like they just feel safe when they feel connected. And this idea of, I don't need constant communication. I don't need you to text me twenty four seven, three sixty five, or we send voice notes 247, 365 or whatever, any of that, we don't need constant communication. I just need to know that we're on the same page."

— CT Kaupp

Episode transcript

3 chapters — tap to expand the full text

CT reflects on his own anxious attachment history and the challenge of not holding on too tight — distinguishing between needing constant contact and simply needing to feel on the same page.