Episode 0Mar 11, 2026· 4:26

What Matters Most in a Relationship? Try This Simple Exercise

▸ Show notes from the creator

I share a simple tournament-style exercise that helps you discover what actually matters most to you in a relationship. What we say we want and what we truly prioritize don’t always line up. This quick exercise brings surprising clarity to the values that shape how you show up and what you truly desire in connection. You can download the PDF exercise at themindfulspx.com/resources Send us Fan Mail Email CT: [email protected] Connect on social: @TheMindfulSPX Check out our website: TheMindfulSPX.com

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About this episode

CT Kaupp describes a relationship values clarification exercise structured like a sports playoff bracket. Listeners write down eight desired partner qualities — such as compassion, travel, growth mindset, resonance, or teamwork — then compare them head-to-head until one quality emerges as the most important. The exercise is designed to surface what someone genuinely prioritizes in a relationship versus the clichéd…

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Who this episode is for

This episode may resonate with you if:

You're a relationship coach or therapist looking for a concrete, repeatable exercise to give clients who say they want 'everything' in a partner but can't articulate actual priorities.

You're re-entering dating after a long relationship or divorce and you realize your old checklist no longer reflects who you actually are or what you actually need.

You're currently dating someone and feeling uncertain about the relationship, and you want a structured way to evaluate whether this person actually meets your core needs versus your surface-level preferences.

You work in a people-facing role — counseling, coaching, HR — and you want a short, self-contained tool you can hand someone in a single session without a lot of setup.

You keep describing what you want in a partner using the same vague, clichéd language — 'growth mindset,' 'adventure,' 'travel' — and you suspect those answers aren't actually telling you anything useful.

What you’ll learn

Use a March Madness-style bracket to find out what you actually need in a partner

Write the eight qualities stream-of-consciousness, not from a curated wishlist

Expect your assumed top priority to get knocked out by the real one

Questions this episode helps answer

how do I stop saying I want everything and get clear on what matters most to me in a relationship

answered

CT describes a bracket-style exercise where you write down your top eight desired qualities and pit them against each other head-to-head — the idea being that when you force two things to compete, 'guarantee you that you'd be able to come to a winner in that.'

"Welcome back or welcome to the Securely You podcast. My name is CT, and I hope you understand why you love the way you do Today's episode, I'm going to talk you through an exercise that I have given a bunch of one on one clients. It's been extremely helpful for them, as well as myself to gain clarity on what it is that I seek in a partnership and what is most important to me. In theory, we can all say that everything is important and I want this and I want that and I want this and I want that. But if we put two things, two qualities up against each other, guarantee you that you'd be able to come to a winner in that."

is there an exercise I can do to get clear on my relationship values

answered

CT walks through a March Madness-style bracket where you list eight qualities you want in a partner and advance one through each matchup until you reach 'the championship or the final two' and can declare a winner — with a free downloadable one-pager on the website.

"And so that's essentially where this was born. If you would like a visual, think of a playoff sports bracket, where the example that I give, in one on one is think about like a college marsh madness bracket, where you have the one seed play the eight seed and the two seed play the seven seed. So on. I want you to write down stream of consciousness, the top eight qualities that you desire in another person, in a relationship, in what makes me feel safe in a relationship or what makes me feel alive. You can interpret this, you know, many different ways, but the point is like to get, it's gonna help you get really clear on what it is that you desire."

how do I figure out what I actually want in a partner

answered

CT shares that the bracket exercise tends to surprise people — you come in thinking you know your answer, but often leave with a different one: 'I can almost guarantee you that you will come into it saying X is most important to me and you will leave understanding that why is most important to you.'

"A lot of times people are like, oh, I want to travel or I want a growth mindset or I want to venture. There's there's like these cliche answers that we give. And it's very interesting once you do this exercise to see what falls away and what actually is most important. So it could be compassion, kindness, aliveness, traveling, growth, mindset, resonance, partnership, or that the teamwork aspect, whatever it is that comes to you, fine dining. Some people really like to eat."

how do I know what I'm looking for before I start dating again

answered

CT frames the exercise as preparation for dating, saying that self-understanding is the foundation: 'the more that we come into dating or relationships with a clear understanding of ourselves and what we desire in partnership, the better that those connections will be.'

"I got a free, one pager. I'm not going to spam you. It's none of that. Just, you can download it, use it, print it off, at your leisure. The more that we understand ourselves, the more that we come into dating or relationships with a clear understanding of ourselves and what we desire in partnership, the better that those connections will be."

Setting expectations: This episode is not about relationship psychology, attachment theory, or advice on what qualities you *should* want in a partner. It's CT walking you through a single bracket-style exercise — like March Madness — where you pit eight personal qualities against each other until one winner emerges.

Tone & style

Drawn from CT's experience using this exercise with clients and himself. Not therapy or clinical relationship advice.

toneWarm & instructional

focusA March Madness-style bracket exercise CT uses with his one-on-one clients to help people figure out which relationship qualities they actually prioritize over others.

stylesolo_monologue

energymedium_low

complexitybeginner

pressure Levellow

emotional Texturewarm, practical, encouraging

Notable quotes

"Welcome back or welcome to the Securely You podcast. My name is CT, and I hope you understand why you love the way you do Today's episode, I'm going to talk you through an exercise that I have given a bunch of one on one clients. It's been extremely helpful for them, as well as myself to gain clarity on what it is that I seek in a partnership and what is most important to me. In theory, we can all say that everything is important and I want this and I want that and I want this and I want that. But if we put two things, two qualities up against each other, guarantee you that you'd be able to come to a winner in that."

— CT Kaupp

"A lot of times people are like, oh, I want to travel or I want a growth mindset or I want to venture. There's there's like these cliche answers that we give. And it's very interesting once you do this exercise to see what falls away and what actually is most important. So it could be compassion, kindness, aliveness, traveling, growth, mindset, resonance, partnership, or that the teamwork aspect, whatever it is that comes to you, fine dining. Some people really like to eat."

— CT Kaupp

"And you're going to keep going down your list as you do that, advancing a certain quality, and eventually you're going to get to quote unquote the championship or the final two, and you can declare a winner. What I find most fascinating about this exercise is I can almost guarantee you that you will come into it saying X is most important to me and you will leave understanding that why that why is most important to you. I urge you to take some time simply yourself when you have a quiet few minutes, sketch this out. Or like I said, go to my website. You can download it."

— CT Kaupp

"I got a free, one pager. I'm not going to spam you. It's none of that. Just, you can download it, use it, print it off, at your leisure. The more that we understand ourselves, the more that we come into dating or relationships with a clear understanding of ourselves and what we desire in partnership, the better that those connections will be."

— CT Kaupp

Episode transcript

3 chapters — tap to expand the full text

Mentioned in this episode

websiteCT Kaupp's website

CT's site where he offers a free one-pager download of the bracket exercise, described as the first resource he has made available there.

personCT Kaupp

The host of Securely You, who developed and uses this bracket exercise with his one-on-one clients to help them clarify what they want in a partner.

Key themes

Getting clear on what you actually want in a partner

CT frames the whole episode around the problem that people say everything is important to them in a relationship, and this exercise forces them to find out what actually is.

The March Madness bracket as a decision tool

CT walks through the specific mechanics of a bracket-style exercise where eight desired qualities are pitted head-to-head until one winner emerges.

Cliché answers falling away under pressure

CT observes that people often come in with stock answers like 'travel' or 'growth mindset,' and the bracket format reveals those aren't actually what matters most to them.

Thinking you want X, discovering you want Y

CT says the most surprising outcome of the exercise is that people almost always enter believing one quality is most important and leave realizing something different won.

Self-knowledge as preparation for dating

CT connects the exercise back to entering relationships with a clearer sense of self, framing self-understanding as something you bring into dating rather than something you figure out inside a relationship.

Stream-of-consciousness as the starting point

CT instructs listeners to write down their eight qualities without overthinking, treating the unfiltered first pass as the raw material the exercise then works on.

Using the exercise himself, not just with clients

CT briefly notes he has used this exercise on himself, not only as a tool he gives to one-on-one clients.

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